Badge-gate: The Boardroom Tapes, part 138

Another set of secret boardroom recordings has fallen into TF's hands, as we exclusively reveal the truth about the new club crest.

May 15, 2025

(Sound of Eales and Silverstone high-fiving and backslapping as they enter the room)

Dazza: Get in! What a result at the weekend!

Snakeoil Pete: Oh, I know. Financial projections leapt 23.1% overnight. I'm estimating that legacy subscription packages will be able to bear an 11% customer contribution enhancement next season.

Dazza: You mean we're sticking the price of season tickets up?

Snakeoil Pete: Well, that's a very negative way of putting it, Daz. I prefer to think of it as an opportunity for a loyalty experience investment uplift among our heritage customer cohort.

Dazza: Righto, Pete. Couldn't have put it better myself. I bet you're looking forward to going home to the Emirates this week. You'll fit right in. Anyway, no, I didn't mean that. The other thing.

Snakeoil Pete: You mean the training ground’s sorted? Brilliant!

Dazza: Er no. Little Jamie's folks are still playing hardball on their cut.

Snakeoil Pete: Goes without saying. Stadium?

Dazza: You know we're still in Operation Bore-everyone-shitless-with-unfounded-leaks-and-speculation-so-that-they-accept-anything-in-the-end. Still a way to go on that.

Snakeoil Pete: Of course, I just thought we might have moved into the bury-the-bad-news-in-good-football-results-and-other-random-unpopular-distractions phase. Everything comes to those who wait, as we always say. Talking of the stadium, how's Brad Miller getting on? Can't say I've seen him much of late.

Dazza: Who?

Snakeoil Pete: You know, Big Balls Brad. Chief Operating Officer. Big in airports. He's sorting our infrastructure projects.

Dazza: Nope, not ringing any bells.

Snakeoil Pete: OK, if it's not the stadium, then I know what it is. Commercial deals! That must be it! Big Yassa has finally put his money where his mouth is!

Dazza: Bigger than that.

Snakeoil Pete: You don't mean actually signing a player this transfer window, do you?

Dazza: Even bigger than that.

Snakeoil Pete: No, you don't mean… You can't mean…

Dazza: I only bloody well do…

Both together: THE BADGE RE-DESIGN!!!

Snakeoil Pete: Yes!!!!! That'll teach those snarky fanzine cynics who say we haven't made any big decisions. Every fan's absolute top priority and we've nailed it!

Dazza: When you say “every fan”, you mean chief commercial officer trying to reduce kit manufacture costs and increase profit margin?

Snakeoil Pete: Well, maybe, but don't forget our new international digital consumer key market segment. Online focus groups and engagement behaviour pattern analysis consistently show a negative preference coefficient for detailed seahorse representations.

Dazza: Enough said. Genius idea to get your nephew to design the new one too. How's he getting on, by the way?

Snakeoil Pete: Oh yeah, great. He's moving up into Reception next year. We're so proud of him.

Dazza: How's the stitch-up… sorry… consultation going?

Snakeoil Pete: Refine, revive. Brilliant stuff. Who needs more than one page of the dictionary, I say.

Dazza: Those busybodies at the Trust still moaning?

Snakeoil Pete: Always. Something about the FA rulebook and heritage assets, blah, blah, blah. Who do they think we are? Custodians? Keep up, lads, Mandy has left the building!

Dazza: Still, they'll get all the blame on social media like they always do. Better than a human shield in a Baghdad air-raid. Saw some of them complaining about the timing. Three massive games to go. Positive momentum. We should have been concentrating on the football on the pitch, apparently.

Snakeoil Pete: The what on the what? Don't they understand anything about the modern game?

Dazza: Quite. Those warehouses full of 25-26 shirts with the new badge ready to go for the last game of the season aren't going to sell themselves.

Snakeoil Pete: Exactly. Oh by the way, how's the CEO search going?

Dazza: Ah well… You know how we work here. Best not rush anything. Trust the process, even if it moves with all the pace of an arthritic sloth in concrete boots walking through quicksand with two broken legs and an air of existential futility. I have come up with a person spec, though. Confident it'll help us find the right person. Here you go.

Snakeoil Pete (reading): Hmmm, essential criteria… Must have initials consecutively positioned in the alphabet. Must have prior CEO experience of ending a 70-year trophy drought at a NE club that plays in black and white stripes. Surname should sound like a type of fish…

Dazza: Demanding, I know. Still (looks in the mirror), I think I might know just the guy. Shortlist of one. The continuity candidate. Quick pint in the Stack to celebrate?

Recording transcribed faithfully by Matthew Philpotts