TF Match Report - Newcastle Utd 1-4 Bournemouth

Sam Dalling on a thoroughly chastening day for United against opponents who were just too good

First Anthony. Then Alexander. Dan next, followed by Sven. Bruno had a go. Of course, Bruno had a go. A few others joined their teammates, each man in black and white wildly swishing hands and arms through the air, raising the universally understood footballing signal for “come on lads, let’s fucking get going.” Not uncommon as kick-off approaches, right?

Problem was it was12.36pm by this point. And it was not the first, but the second centre kick about to take place. Newcastle were one down already.

Gesticulation was meant to lead to improvement. Bournemouth’s first goal, scored by the son of a former St James’ Park forward, was supposed to be galvanising. Except it wasn’t. It really wasn’t.

Sure, Newcastle returned to par with Bruno Guimarães’s header not long later, but even that did little to switch the dial. It was the exception that proved the lunchtime rule. Justin Kluivert would finish with a hat trick and Newcastle with a humiliating defeat.

First, sight should not be lost of recent history. A win would have been a tenth on the trot, a feat so difficult that it had never been done. Not once since 1892. And so, to catastrophise after one poor showing would be both moronic and a little entitled.

But inescapably Newcastle United really weren’t very good. In fact, they were horrid, the sort of inept, disjointed showing that will have Eddie Howe privately – publicly he will defend his players, and rightly too - seething. Had this offering followed results against Brentford or West Ham, it might even have him worried. Fortunately, much good has passed in between.

The passing, the decision making, the attitude, the temperament. Off. Off. Off and bloody off. More febrile atmospheres are regularly found at christenings, while more intensity would have been visible watching repeats of Chucklevision with 6-year-olds.

Anthony Gordon’s most meaningful moment of the day was allowing Lewis Hall to take the corner that led to the leveller. Jacob Murphy’s was seeking physio assistance when about to be removed, thus giving Fabian Schär time to stem a bloodied nose.

The fields of Heaton and Dunston will host forwards that would have given the Bournemouth defence more to sweat on that Alex Isak.

Hall (temporarily) lost all he has found in the last 12 months; Tino got bullied by Antoine Semenyo. Sven Botman is still getting up to speed and, by the looks of his touch and pace (well, lack of both), he has a way to go. Schär replaced him at the half and, having won his first header to a huge cheer, almost immediately played a needless, mindless across-the-face of goal pass that could have been disastrous.

By then Newcastle were again behind, Bruno dallying – a trait he is seemingly able to eradicate at times but has yet to fully let go of – and Kluivert re-giving Bournemouth a lead that they absolutely deserved. Had United crept to half-time level, might they have been able to pull themselves collectively together? Maybe. Probably not, though

Even Bournemouth having what they thought was a third disallowed because the ball had crept out of play did not feel like it would have a decisive sway. It was one of those days. A collective stinker, all the luck a side needs to go on such a brilliant run having been used, all the errors humans inevitably make across a period at work saved for one 90 minute slot. Even Sandro Tonali had an off day.

TF Player Ratings - Newcastle Utd 1-4 Bournemouth

What we haven’t yet done is given Bournemouth the immense credit they deserve. There is something about them as a club – maybe out of ignorance, arrogance, or a combination – that makes the average football supporter largely dismissive towards them. No one’s rivals. A hell of a long way from everything and everyone. No particular social media pantomime villains, or even much media coverage to speak of at all really.

And yet they are undoubtedly very, very good at football. They have a style, a method, and it works - 10 Premier League games unbeaten says so.

For them, it was, in many senses, a classic Newcastle United under Eddie Howe away win. Not much of the ball, but ruthless on the counter. A little bit of bite – how Lewis Cook does not need to dig into his pockets for some change to cover the financial penalty of being yellow carded will remain one of life’s great mysteries – and plenty of what has collectively become regarded as dark wizardry. Kepa tried to go full Nick Pope at one point.

True, Howe may well point to tired legs and minds, to this being one leap too many. But the lowest squad number sat on Bournemouth’s bench was 21. The other eight substitutes occupied digits combining for a total 366, averaging north of 45. They are riddled by injuries to key players.

In summary, fair play to Bournemouth and to their pocket of supporters, many of whom will have left their houses at about the same time most of our bladders were gearing up to wake us for the first time in the night.

This was crap. It happens. It cannot happen too many more times given the sub-optimal offerings that came in the season’s first few months, but there is enough recent credit for it to absolutely be filed under ‘blip’.

Squad depth and Howe’s reluctance to use his bench remain a worry. Plenty expected a former Sheffield United starlet attacker, buoyed by a recent FA Cup strike, to be introduced. And Andre Iraola obliged, bringing on Daniel Jebbison, a young-forward signed by Bournemouth after the Blades happily let his contract expire. The multi-million quid William Osula did not join in until after the clock had turned 90. Figure that. Miguel Almirón is still here but was presumably not risked given he is, apparently, on the cusp of improving the balance sheet.

Not quite a perfect 10. But we are no longer 12th. And we are still chasing the Champions League.

Sam Dalling

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