Undercover Agent! Behind Enemy Lines

Rob recounts his days honing his spycraft to pass unnoticed in the home ends of Sheffield and Manchester. Well, mostly unnoticed...

With the return of Traitors and The Night Manager, espionage is in the air! For what it’s worth, I’ve never seen Traitors, mainly because Claudia Winkleman’s fringe does my head in, but I’ve read The Night Manager & very good it is too! I’m currently trying to watch series 1 whilst ignoring the reviews about the new series. A bit like the football episode of The Likely Lads but without Brian Glover trying to spoil it.

The general atmosphere of distrust has even seeped into everyday life, with my other half uttering the always over-dramatic line of ‘who even are you?!’ in my general direction the other night. Mind you, I’d just got three science questions right on University Challenge and one of them was about physics, so that was probably fair enough.

It has to be said that there is a certain sophisticated allure attached to the work of the spy. Someone living a double life, pretending to be another person and managing to trick the opposition - either a terrible foreign despot or some unsavory über-suave Hugh Laurie type - and deliver for King & Country. Attached to this is the possibility of getting to go somewhere very exotic, drink and eat in extremely flash restaurants and maybe tap off with a beautiful agent from the other side.

All well and good, but what has this got to do with supporting Newcastle in the depths of a British winter, I hear you ask? Well, I’m glad you did. I give you the Newcastle fan’s version of Alec Guinness - the undercover fan sat in the home end! Tinker, tailor, soldier, fan (doesn’t quite scan but you get the drift…).

It’s all well and good working for The Crown in deadly spots like Checkpoint Charlie on the Berlin Wall or the locale of some foreign arms dealer. You try sitting incognito on the Kop at Hillsborough or at the old Maine Road. That’ll sort out your George Reillys from your George Smileys.

The first thing to be said is that no one actually wants to go undercover in the home end. It tests your ability to fake and repress emotion to the utmost degree. It’s not healthy, it’s not pleasant, and it’s definitely not a natural act. However, needs must if you can’t get a ticket for the away end and we’re playing nearby and/or playing so well you can’t miss it. My career as a representative of MI6 was from 1993-2006, with a guest reappearance in 2023 for the FA Cup debacle at Hillsborough. It coincided with the greatest period in my supporting life - the eras of The Messiah and Sir Bobby. Just ignore the grimness of the Dalglish, Gullit, and Souness periods within that. I know I try to on a regular basis.

I moved to live in Sheffield in 1993, just as The Entertainers era was really kicking in. Getting home tickets was virtually impossible. The capacity was 36000, and the majority were season tickets. It was a throwback to the 82-84 period when, as a teenager in Redcar, on £2 a week pocket money (and be grateful for it!..), I couldn't really get to games due to train prices and queues for tickets starting at 7am on a Saturday! So, home games were out of the window as Cole and Beardsley tore up defences everywhere.

Away games it had to be then. Well, the home end of away games. In 1993/94, Sheffield Wednesday had a very decent team - Waddle, Hurst, Sheridan, Anderson, Carlton Palmer. Well, perhaps not Palmer. In fact, Waddle arguably played his best football for them, which shows how well he was playing. Sheffield United were also in the Premier League but weren’t so good. Both clubs had large attendances but never completely sold out on a regular basis.

The other Premier League teams nearby were the two Mancunian clubs. Now, I’d just lived in Manchester for the previous five years and knew that City were pretty rubbish. This meant you could get tickets relatively easily. I also knew the layout and local area quite well, which is always a positive. United, on the other hand, were winning everything and tickets were usually sold out. It was also definitely not my side of Manc, so I crossed them off my list. I had three chances per season to see Newcastle.

So outstanding was my first appearance as an undercover agent that it was on Match of the Day and The Entertainers video season review! Wednesday 0-1 Newcastle 1994. In the words of the great Roger Tames on that video, ‘Andy Cole! Smash and grab!!!’. Last minute winner after a free kick scramble, right in front of us on the front row of the Kop.

If you look closely and freeze/rewind/freeze again the video (I know I have…), you can see a fresh faced 23 year old in a blue coat rocking backwards and forwards like he’s got acute appendicitis. That, my friends, is me! Sat on my hands, desperately trying not to jump up & shout ‘ Get in!!! That’ll shut you up, you bloody ignorant inbreds!!!’

It’s a known fact that going undercover makes you aware of how unpleasantly abusive and ignorant the locals are. They’re not really and you might well see them during the week but that’s how it seems and that’s the life of the undercover agent!

One game, one win! This is a doddle, I said to no-one in particular. So I thought I’d carry on. I’m not entirely sure it got any better than that but there were several notable episodes. I went to two more games in that 93/94 season. I watched us lose 2-1 to City on the day Freddie Starr’s horse won the Grand National and just after Kurt Cobain had shot himself. It was that kind of bizarre day.

I initially passed my spy test with flying colours when getting the match tickets. Bearing in mind City’s current status, this almost seems like a story from the Victorian era. However, you could get match tickets on the day but had to register as a City member in a primary school next door! My mates were convinced we’d got no chance. Oh ye of little faith!

I queued up and the fascist in charge decided to question me on where I lived, postcode, local shops of the area etc, to try and trip me up and blow my cover. Five years of Mancunian life kicked in and when I told him the opening times of the nearby kebab house (3pm-3am, in case you’re in the area) he said (adopt Gallagher brother nasal whine) ’Top! No worries mate! You can have as many as you want!’

Ha! I’d gone through Checkpoint Charlie again!! Though my cover was then blown by my idiot brother when City scored their second. He’s a City fan - blame the 1981 Cup Final and the effect it had on an 8 year old. He liked the blue shirts. I give up….

Anyway, City were rubbish, we went one up, I have a memory of Scott Sellars running the length of the pitch like he was Messi but just missing before we then let in two. Paul Walsh got the winner, my brother jumped on my back and some bloke next to me said ‘you’re a Newcastle fan aren’t you?’ I said nothing - Official Secrets Act and all that - and just managed to get out alive. I did get my own back on my brother though by accompanying him to a 0-0 draw against Northampton in the 3rd Division in 1999. How I laughed!

Other incidents over the years include sitting right behind two genius goals from Ginola and Beardsley against Wednesday in 95/96, seeing Jon Dahl Tomasson scoring off his backside (possibly his only positive contribution for us) and being at Bramall Lane when there was two empty seats next to me. I was a bit puzzled until there was a huge cheer behind me and the two missing people came in straight from their wedding! The bride’s dress didn’t quite fit her seat, so I ended up sat on the corner of mine. The spy is always courteous, even if we did lose 2-1.

I also saw the effects of the untrained undercover agent at Barnsley in a League Cup match. Andy Cole scored and my mate’s friend was sat three rows away from us. He jumped up and celebrated, which caused his jacket zip to come undone, revealing a Newcastle top. Out he was slung. Pah! Part timer!

I’ve saved the best until last. The most exciting match I’ve seen was also an undercover experience. Ultimately, it was a negative for our title challenge in 95/96 but, at the time, it was a superb game. The 3-3 draw with City saw me and my mate sat in the main stand. It was an end to end match, with Newcastle playing pretty well but City’s Georgi Kinkladze was as unplayable as anyone I’ve ever seen. It was also the original Tino’s full match debut and it also saw two fantastic goals from Philippe Albert.

We really needed to win but Pavel was a bit wobbly and we were 3-2 down in the last few minutes. Cue Philippe to hit a daisy cutter of an equalizer. In all my time of spying, it was the only time I broke cover, which tells you the importance of the match. I jumped up and screamed ‘Get in!!!!!’. Nooooooooo!!! I thought I was a goner. Then I looked around & it seemed like half of the main stand had jumped up as well! Thank the Lord for that.

Tino then head butted Keith Curle - which seemed fair enough to me - there was a scuffle and the final whistle blew. Right, we’ve got to get out of here sharpish. However, a very large City fan blocked our way and seemed to have other ideas. Oh dear. ‘Well played mate, good game’ he said & shook hands with me! Hallelujah! Mind you, I’m fully aware that if Albert’s goal had been the winner, I think he’d have offered his hand to strangle me but all’s we that ends well. Apart from the fact that we’d dropped points, lost the title and City got relegated as well…

So there you have it. The life of an undercover fan. Danger, excitement, thrills, spills and internal ulcers. Not to be recommended unless there is no other choice. Which there usually isn’t. Good luck if that’s you this season! And remember - ‘For King and Country, James. For King and Country..’

Rob Douglas

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