What if we’re just doing everything wrong at Newcastle United?

Steve Blakeney speculates on whatever it is the club is doing with everything.

Whatever you’re doing, there’s almost always a way of doing it. Tried and tested they call it. You read a book from page one, you put the teabag in first and funerals generally run in the order of; say a few nice things about the deceased, sing their favourite hymn, then press the button to send them on their final journey into an oven and up the chimney.

These things have come from years and years of people getting them wrong, until they got them right and we now benefit from their efforts. There’s no point in reading a book backwards or trying to be some sort of fancy influencer who microwaves tea, adds rose petals, bird shit and the wings of a butterfly and pretends that they’ve discovered the perfect cup. They haven’t, they’re an attention seeking moron.

Nor would it be acceptable to gather everyone into the crematorium, press the fiery button and then try to get through the second verse of All Things Bright and Beautiful whilst the air fills with the acrid whiff of a rapidly combusting Aunty Marjorie.

However, no matter how tried and tested a thing is, there is always that idiot who still gets it wrong, theimbecile influencer, the soon to be hospitalised child who wants to see what it’s like to ride a bike facing backwards or the forgetful football club which seems to have misplaced the order of how to sign a player.

I might be old fashioned, but in my fifty-something years of watching the game, signing a player went something like this.

Identify the need for a player. Don’t tell the press yet. Send your scouts out to find someone who fits the bill. Don’t tell the press yet. Take all options to the manager, and then bid for the one he wants. Don’t tell the press yet. Discuss the price with the selling club and agree how much you’re going to pay, accepting the fact that they may well bend you over a barrel and do unspeakable things to your behind parts. Don’t tell the press yet. Make the player an offer he can’t refuse, bearing in mind he’s probably a greedy, mercenary bastard. Don’t tell the press yet. Arrange a medical. Maybe leak something to the press. Sign him. Tell the press.

However, Newcastle this season seem to have mistaken the transfer market for Ru Paul’s Drag Race. They couldn’t have drawn more attention to their targets if they’d squeezed them into an ill-fitting dress and a purple wig and called them Fanny Trimmer.

Every time we’ve shown an interest, it’s been public knowledge from day one and a bidding war has ensued. We’ve lost almost all of them, other than Elanga who must be wondering what he missed in the small print that’s put so many others off.

The one that sticks in my throat is James Trafford. We should have had him last summer, but we huffed and puffed so many times that Manchester City came and blew our house down.

Why is this? I realise it has a lot has to do with the role of agents in the modern game, hanging onto it like a bunch of talentless leeches, being trusted by young men who haven’t got a clue about the legal loopholes and jargon that the agents hide behind to make themselves look indispensable.

It’s in the agents’ best interests to sell their goods for as much as they can and as many times as they can, so that they get their ridiculously large cut. A bidding war is an ideal way to do this, because they want to convince as many prospective buyers as possible that they’ve got the absolute best and when it’s gone it’s gone. It’s a bit like the approach TK Maxx would take if they were into human trafficking.

However, there's another big change this summer in that Newcastle have gone for big name targets, players who are at the top of everyone’s shopping list - Ekitike, Sesko, Guehi, Joao Pedro, Delap…the list goes on. As soon as you move for a big name you light the touchpaper.

Previously we had scouted very intelligently indeed, not just with the likes of Isak, Botman, Guimaraes and Tonali, but with finding the right pieces of the jigsaw, like Trippier, Burn, Gordon and Barnes. Stealing Hall and Livramento before anyone else blinked.

They were done and dusted before any bidding wars could get going.

It was clever and we got excellent value for money. If we could find another bunch of players like that - and they will be out there, waiting to move to the top of everyone's shopping list next summer - then we’d be ready for whatever next season brings.

Unfortunately, it seems like the engine that is driving that part of the club has got serious issues and shows no sign of being fixed this summer, which could spell disaster during a season where games will come thick and fast, many against the very best teams in Europe. It’s also missing a couple of important parts, namely a Director of Football and a CEO.

The lack of squad depth and a couple of injuries could easily see us finishing mid-table. If this summer has been hard, imagine what next year could look like?

We need to move fast and we need to move far more convincingly than we have done so far, or I genuinely fear that we’re a couple of injuries away from a very disappointing season.

To be honest, if it’s our only option up front and we can’t get anyone else, maybe we bite the bullet and sign Fanny Trimmer after all. Apparently she’s very flexible.

STEVE BLAKENEY