Stepping into the Unknown - Newcastle 2.0

Scott takes a break from La Manga training videos to consider the prospect of Matty's vertical Mags

It’s going to go one of two ways. You do know that, don't you?

Newcastle United will either be a car crash next season where we implode even more than the one just gone, OR we are absolutely sensational and we have new heroes on the pitch and in the dug out and we get our soul back again.

No in between. No half measures. This is Newcastle United 2.0.

You know that man at work? (It's usually a man), who suddenly becomes someone who has superior knowledge on every newsworthy issue? Everything from Border Control to Ground source heat pumps? Course you do.

Well, we've had plenty of cognoscenti, connoisseurs and adepts telling us about all our new signings all summer, when the fact of the matter is, no one knows fuck all about any of them and it’s great.

Aladji Bamba? Ah fantastic mate. Like Vieira. A bit like Matthäus. With a bit of Kante thrown in. Three hours later it emerged he's only finished about eight games in his whole career. Didn't tell us that, Mr Ground Source heat pump.

This all goes to show, Newcastle are evolving and are doing it at an alarming rate. The biggest moan a lot of supporters have had post the Carabao Cup Final is that Howe held on to players for too long.

In 2021 we played Watford away in the Dog days of Bruce. Winless and at a low ebb, but five of the squad that day did the walkaround last season and four remain.

The club under Howe was, a lot of the time, getting bit part players with limits, to turn into trusted players who could brilliantly work in a system which he liked and never deviated from. Sprinkle the team with international class footballers along with the stoic heroes and for most of his time here, Howe had outstanding results.

A trophy, Champions League twice and doing this with Jacob Murphy and Joe Willock. It's hard not to admire the blueprint. But, as Mike Tyson said once, “Everyone has got a plan until they get punched in the face”. This could only end in tears. All it would take was one season too many with these trusted lieutenants and it was year zero.

Take a look at that League cup final team group? Who's left? It really is carnage.

Howe going was the final nail in the coffin for that grandee of a side and like it or not that version of Newcastle United is completely over now. We are starting again and part of me loves it.

How many times were you happy walking out of the grounds last season? I can count on one hand. A lot of it was frankly awful. We had to change. But none of us thought we had the balls to do it. More of the old guard like Pope, Murphy and Joelinton look increasingly unlikely to be here on September 1st and the overhaul will be complete.

Then the fun and games begin. We will have a new style, set by a new manager who simply must hit the ground running. Having to hit the ground running does funny things to a man and especially one who stalks the touchline doing jumping jacks in a polo neck. At least I think he does. In reality we don't know anything about him. Also a plus.

Even the manager appointment smacks of “Oh fuck it, let’s gamble”. It's like the club has managed to remove a straightjacket or something.

I'm actually surprised more hasn't been made of this. This is so off brand. We don't normally do this sort of thing. This is our most leftfield appointment since Kinnear rode into Town and declared himself the new Sheriff, only to fall off his horse and blame ‘Charles Insomnia’.

We are signing mid-range players with (I hate to douse all you purists in cold water here) a view to selling them on for a profit and having a good couple of seasons in the process. Let's not kid ourselves here. These players are potentially very good but that's it.

Take our new goalkeeper. Lukáš Hornícek looks brilliant in all these videos. A lot of top clubs must have watched him. Chelsea are chronically desperate for a keeper. No one has taken the plunge. Why? We will let Newcastle do that dirty work and we will see him in two years if he's decent.

That's where we are. Newcastle have severely backed off that league title grandiosity (checks notes) in three years and are now feeding in the same trough as Brentford, Brighton and (shudder) Sunderland. Some may see this as a mega climb down.

I've made my piece with this. It was ridiculous hyperbole anyway. We are bound and gagged by FFP and we have to outmanoeuvre it in every way possible. We haven't exactly raided Tony Bloom's hard drive but someone has stuck a memory stick in when he was at the toilet.

For the first time in my Newcastle supporting life, I'm going to watch us in pre-season not knowing the names of about four of our players. And I'm excited about it.

Newcastle 2.0 needs its supporting actors though. This squad could evolve from game to game. It's still light and no one knows what our best side is and Jaissle certainly won't. Yet.

Everyone is starting afresh and that means players scrapheaped last season, like Wissa, Woltemade and Elanga are starting with a clean slate. Everyone is. For some that's good, for some that have been over relied upon by the last manager, its very bad.

Also of course we have (for a lot of money) got rid of players who don't want to be here. The argument is we've done that, but also flogged all of our best players. We can argue until the cows come home about the likes of Bruno, Tonali and Gordon but in theory players (or head coach) who have made it abundantly clear they didn't want to play for us anymore doesn't exactly hone team spirit, so we should have a more together squad. In theory anyway.

I’m looking forward to it. It couldn't get any more boring than last year and for good or bad Newcastle going down a different route certainly won't be that. Our makeover might be a disaster, but the fact other clubs supporters are currently perplexed by it makes me very, very happy.

What they don't know is that Tonali isn't all that and Bruno has no pace and also what they don't know is that (checks notes again) Sean Steur, Banzoumana Touré and whoever else we bring in are absolutely brilliant and we are going to have the season for the ages.

I'm intrigued and a bit excited and we secretly love it when we crash and burn as well, so let's bring it on, Newcastle 2.0.

PS: It would be handy if the new lads didn't shit their pants in a derby also. Asking for a friend.

Scott Robson