TF Match Report: West Ham 0-1 Newcastle United (Guimarães 63'), 10 March 2025

YOUSEF HATEM (@yousef-1892.bsky.social) was in the away end at the London Stadium, and has the match report.

Well, that felt good.

Newcastle United kicked off the week by deservedly winning a football match.

It won’t live long in the memory. It was, at times, a compelling advertisement for an eighteen-team top division, or - if you were being harsher - the immediate demotion of West Ham to the Isthmian League. They really were that bad. We were okay. That was comfortably enough.

We did not expect fireworks. Nor, for a fixture between 16th and 9th, presumably only moved to Monday night because everyone has to get a fair crack of the TV whip, did we need them. But there we were anyway, three thousand strong as usual, half a mile from the pitch at five minutes to eight, watching them.

My God, what an awful place this truly, truly is. Is this a library? You know what? Given that we all paid for this hovel, perhaps it ought to be. Away ends have had worse ideas. As it is, it’s not one. Nor, palpably, is it a football ground. Anyway, we won, and thankfully we don’t have to come back here for a while. I feel for West Ham fans. I really do.

They nearly had something to cheer within the first minute though, Soucek somehow ballooning over from two yards with the goal at his mercy, after Tino missed his clearance. It was as close as they came all night. There were a few hairy moments, mainly caused by Tino getting caught in possession - this was not his night, though it would be churlish to be too critical of a defender after a clean sheet away from home - but the hosts created nothing of note. This was despite Murphy, bless him, passing it straight to them, time after time (though he has, if we’re honest, been worse than this).

We were the ones who did the running, in both halves. We really should have been at least one up by half time. Areola denied Barnes twice with smart saves. Which isn’t to say Barnes was actually much good. He wasn’t. Ponderous in possession, and as pathologically terrified of his left foot as Miggy was of his right. Say what you like about Murphy - he’s shite, but at least he’s got a bit of directness about him.

The second half began with fifteen minutes of implausibly poor quality. Errors. Misplaced passes. Almost an own goal from Max Kilman - Areola at full stretch again. Slashed clearances. Woeful control. An almost complete absence of movement in front of whichever player - of either team - had the football.

And then we scored.

Barnes, after having a weak shot blocked, lofted a ball into the area. Bruno - sliding in, right on cue - met it, and Areola was beaten. Cue delight. In a poor game, a massive goal, from the best player on the pitch: his matchwinner meaning he probably just shaded it ahead of Tonali. Neither was spectacular. They were both tidy and competent. On a night when tidiness and competence were in such short supply, that was enough.

There was still half an hour left. Half an hour in which West Ham neither huffed nor puffed - their season, it feels, is already over in early March - and in which we barely threatened either. We brought the band back together for a bit: Wilson, Longstaff and Willock came on. Wilson lumbered. Longstaff laboured. Willock flickered. Then the final whistle went. The three thousand disappeared - this is not a place to linger: you find the first train and get out - joining the fifty-odd thousand in claret and blue who had started leaving long, long before.

Three huge points. Back up to sixth, and level on points with Man City, going into an incredibly long break before the next league match (hard to believe that tonight was our only league fixture in the whole month of March).

What did we learn? Pope can’t kick. Tino can’t defend. Tripps still can. Bruno is at his best when he keeps it simple. Isak sometimes drifts in and out of games. Murphy infuriates. So does Barnes, although he has the canny knack of being involved in important goals. All in all then, maybe we didn’t learn an awful lot. But we did pick up three crucial points. What else matters?

Oh, just that we picked up no new injuries, no new suspensions, and we now go into Sunday on a high. This was a very, very good time to reacquaint ourselves with the joys of winning in London. That’s three out of three in the capital this year. A 100% record. Liverpool’s? One out of two.

Believe.

YOUSEF HATEM / @yousef-1892.bsky.socia