THE SPECIAL - Ipswich at home.
Newcastle United v Ipswich Town, Saturday 26/Apr/25, KO 15:00, Premier League.
I really am starting to resent the amount of time I've spent thinking about Aston Villa this week.
Then again, last Saturday raised so many questions. Were they excellent or were we shit? As a wiser judge than me put it, they were excellent at making us look shit. How did they manage to assemble that depth of squad when we can't? It helps being able to sell £230m of players this year, £120m of that kindly donated by the Saudi state - any chance of throwing a bit of that our way?! Is Emery a better in-game tactician than his Eddiness? I've no idea but he's definitely better than Tindall. Would we rather be where Villa are? Er, no, because that's in Birmingham.
Not content with putting me through Saturday's mauling and its aftermath, there they were popping up on my TV screen on Tuesday night, not only forcing themselves on me for another 90 minutes, but also making me cheer on Citeh (mind you, respect to their protest against a £71 minimum ticket price - welcome to our future!). And finally, after that, came the hours of studying Villa's final four fixtures and trying to work out how likely it is that they'll win all four.
Let's face it, that's not a matter of rational analysis. Instead it's a psychological test for United fans more telling than any Rorschach inkblot. You see what you choose to see. Life's natural optimists among us look at Fulham and Bournemouth and see tricky tests ahead for Villa, especially with FA Cup distractions. A potentially re-arranged midweek match against Spurs and a final-day trip to Old Trafford could have outcomes belying the (endlessly amusing) league positions of those two teams. OK, not Spurs, but you get my point.
Meanwhile, the other 99.9% of us see a guaranteed 12 points and rush off to work out the consequences for our remaining fixtures.
Oh God, and that means I've got to think about Chelsea. Do I really have to? They've got us and Forest away. Six points dropped? Oh and they've got Liverpool. No, bother. We’ve got this. Hang on, the Scousers will be Champions and blearily hungover on the beach by then, so they're not going put up any resistance. Crap. And Forest might already be guaranteed a top-five finish by the last match. And what if we lose to Chelsea? They've got a squad literally worth 78 billion pounds, thanks in no small measure to financial shenanigans that Andy wrote about this week. They're bound to regain form again at some point. Fuck, I can't take this.
Right, time to pull ourselves together. Whatever happens elsewhere we know that 10 points from our final five is (all but) guaranteed to do it and nine really ought to. That puts the spotlight straightforwardly on our three home matches, starting with Ipswich today. And let's face it, they're properly rubbish. I know what, let's think back to previous times we've played them at home in the springtime. That'll settle the nerves.
How about we start with some genuine teenage nostalgia and the first match I can remember against them? April 1991 and Ossie's vibrant youngsters. Steve Watson jinking to the byline to set up Stimson (!) for the opener. Clarkie showing his class with a neat finish before Micky Quinn follows it in on the goalline. A promising 2-2, a bright future ahead under a famous new manager. What could possibly go wrong?
And then there's the time we lifted the Championship trophy in April 2010. That's more like it. Scott even takes us back to that happy place in his Flashback piece this week. Read it above. I mean, we didn't win and we conceded a 94th minute equaliser for 2-2, but that's not really relevant, is it?
Then there's Sir Bobby's brilliant title-chasing side and a home gimme against the soon to be relegated Tractor Boys in March 2002. Easy. Behind twice, true, but we had the quality to come from behind. Shearer penalty to win it in the last minute…Oh. Another 2-2. This is starting to look like worryingly like a pattern. We couldn't, could we?
Now I don't seriously believe that, and neither do you. Then again, I'm so innately pessimistic about Newcastle that I know the time to really worry is when I'm not worried at all. Please just let's get through to 5pm this evening sitting up in third place again, and the football world will look rosy once more.
And so to the really important business and this week's combined NUFC/ Ipswich five-a-side team (never let it be said I don't know how to steal a good idea when I see one - thank you last week, Scott!). So, let's do it with an extra twist this week, and come up with a team filled entirely by rubbish United strikers you never knew even played for Ipswich. Now, here's a team for the ages.
We’ll need to improvise a keeper, so let's go for Chris Wood (8 games, 0 goals for Ipswich in 2014). He can lie down and occupy the entire space between the posts. Now for a bit of muscle in defence: Leon Best (12 games, 0 goals, 2016) and Marlon Harewood (6 games, 1 goal, 1998). And guaranteed goals upfront: Michael Chopra (18 goals - really? - in 78 games, 2011-12) and Shefqi Kuqi (30 goals -REALLY???? - in 78, 2003-07).
And that's without even needing to pick Alex Mathie or Daryl Murphy, nor some of the other Black and White (ahem) legends who bizarrely also turn out to have played for Ipswich: Ryan Fraser, Lee Bowyer, Jack Colback, Andros Townsend, and Steven Taylor. What is it about Suffolk?
Finally, a word of thanks to all of you who've subscribed since we moved over to Substack. This week, we notched our 1000th subscriber. We definitely don't do this for clicks, but it's good to see there's still a demand for fan writing that's passionate and engaged but that's also several steps removed from the braying noise of social media and empty regurgitated clickbait. It's why we can publish quirky and historical pieces, like Scott's wonderful account of our stadium plans during the 1960s and 1970s. Thank you, all!
Matthew Philpotts
Other Stuff
Get your tickets here
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Here are the minutes of the most recent Fans Advisory Board. They are late due to people at Newcastle United who have offered no reason or apology as why they aren’t out on time. Shoddy.
Anyway, give them a read …
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We’re all delighted to have Eddie Howe where he belongs going into today’s game v Ipswich. Here is his Friday press conference as he continues his recovery from pneumonia.
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It’s long been known how badly some parents behave on the sidelines at children’s football - let’s be honest, it’s usually men or Dads to be more accurate. However this piece in The Guardian over the last week is a shocking reminder of how adults can ruin playing football for children -
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Random Football stickers of Tyneside
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Talk, Talk
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Football and The Popes
The sad death this week of Pope Francis has generated many column inches in the media in tribute to His Holiness. Amongst the coverage was this piece from Mundial on the relationship between the papacy and football. It is commonly known Pope Francis was an enthusiastic supporter of his local Buenos Aires team San Lorenzo (also favoured by our former Mag Capitano Fabrizio Coloccini). Pope John Paul 2 was also known to be a decent goalie in pre WW2 Poland.
But there’s more reminders in this piece.
Stronger Together
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Booked
Here’s what looks to be a great new book from former Newcastle United player, physio and accomplished author Paul Ferris who Mag readers have enjoyed reading his previous two brilliant books.
You can get at the new book here directly from the publisher and with a 30% discount sorted by our Newcastle United Supporters Trust - NUFCTRUST30.
I’m so bored with the USA
A typically brilliant piece in the excellent Pitch Inspection, our Substack stablemates. Newcastle United and its fans have been hammered because of our Saudi ownership but with the Fanta Führer with his Nerd Reich (thanks to reader Kev Connolly) across the Atlantic slipping into nightmare authoritarianism, ignorance and bigotry we should perhaps be asking questions about the influence of Trumpian America on our national sport - the professional game is almost completely in the hands of US owners.
NUFC FANS FOODBANK
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Brutal Truth
We don’t take kindly to being lectured by half baked football hacks whose motives are less than genuine but this piece in the excellent North East Bylines and by an author who has previously written for TF is a timely reminder of the human rights abuses in Saudi Arabia, the source of much the investment into Newcastle United under the club’s PIF ownership.
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Totally summed up my continuing anxieties 😄. Great read and excellent Special. Class.
My nerves are jangling as much as yours Matthew. Then I remember the 4-0 down there. They're crap.